To begin, I must say that it is with some reservation that I begin this blog. Most who know me understand that I am not one to discuss my feelings very publicly. I often reserve that sort of torture for those unlucky souls who know me best. The idea came for this blog after I felt inspired to make record of my feelings about my marriage, relationship, and most importantly my connection with Olivia Michele Haynie.
It is both easy and safe to say that she is not at all what I thought I would end up being together with for so many years. Married, and raising a family is not at all what I envisioned and I go through the weeks wondering how I can take credit for anything that is good in my life, and there is much, much good to be accounted for. I blame Olivia. She impressed me immediatly upon stepping out of the kitchen where she was cleaning, cooking, messing around, okay...I really didnt know/care what she was up to in there. All that matter was that she was with me now, and she was smiling. I had never seen such a smile. Shrugging it off like a proper caloused man who didn't need anyone at this point in his life, I neglected to approach her. It took all of thirty minutes for me to realize that it wasn't fair for me to not meet her. Everyone else already had, and everyone else already loved her.
I hadn't dated in months. I was recently returned from an LDS mission to Madagascar and had already experienced approximately 9 complete trainwrecks of relational attempts with the fairer sex. Dating someone I actually cared about was not on the agenda. It was interesting. I barely knew her name and, yes, I cared for her very much already. Why? The obvious and bashful was clearly part of the equation, she is beautiful, and strikingly so. Yet, my "man-sense" was trying to figure out not what attracted me to her initially, but what exactly was drawing me to her continually and without remorse or regard for human dignity. What was it that she had that myself so apparently needed?
The first date and the following days with her kept me in this state of relentless curiosity. It is no small feat for me to date a beautiful woman and not make an attempt at physical connection no matter how shallow or small. A simple hug, or kiss would be the norm, as the connection dictated; however, when in the presence of Olivia, I failed to remember what time it was. Where I was going. What was I doing? I was with her, and that was my only concern. I desired very much to be close to her and I was still stupified. (enter Harry Potter joke here...) It was still weighing heavy on my mind why I desired her influence on my life so much more than others. What was it that encouraged me to be with her? What did she have for me?
It was insatiable. This curiosity developed within me so that I could not concentrate on work, school, family or friends. I went about my days in a beautiful haze, thinking of her. Spending countless minutes considering the reason she drew me in and how she held me, effortlessly, in her brilliant charms. For the life of me, I could not conjure up any intelligent conjecture. She was so perfectly imperfect and she occupied my thoughts constantly. My inability to attempt physical connection proved to be her primary annoyance. Undeterred, she demanded that I kiss her as it had already been a week and that was far to long for a woman of her status and talent to wait. I obliged like a charmed man would, completely and unequivocally.
I remained curious. Slowly, it became clearer that there was a part of her innateness, her "life-force" that called out to me and presented itself as the antidote for the injury that knows no healer. After a few glorious months I realized, she had the ability to make me feel better. And I hadn't felt good in a very long time.
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